Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
