In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
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