I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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