maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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