there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
