just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
