She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
