i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
