so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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