I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
