can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i came on her dog
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
