it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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