I wish life had little blips of pornography
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I will be naked everywhere
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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