Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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