Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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