I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
