I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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