I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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