He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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