Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
