i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
