well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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