Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
