and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
