i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
