I wanna passion pit in your ass
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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