the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
