You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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