It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize