So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
