you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
