i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
