I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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