you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
