Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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