It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
