Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Even my vagina gasped.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
