i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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