i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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