Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
