I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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