Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
