just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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