I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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