My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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