They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
