I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
