My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
