8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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