in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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