grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
