please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
