Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
