her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
