My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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