I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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