It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
