Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
